The other afternoon, my 20 year old son and I were discussing my ex, the sociopath. From now on he will simply be referred to as the sociopath. Anyway, if you did not already know, sociopaths lie. They lie about everything, including things that are blatantly lies to everyone around them that has caught onto them. The fact that I didn’t catch onto the sociopath sooner is something that I am still working through.
The discussion topic was the sociopath’s girlfriend, who he claims is not his girlfriend, but merely a coworker, who he lives with, and takes everywhere he goes, including family functions, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthday celebrations. I have known he had someone for about two years now, and I could not care less. What bothers me, and my 7 year old son, is that he lies about it when it’s so obvious. Seriously, we are divorced, and anything or anyone that takes his sights off me me if fully approved by me. I’d like to warn her, but I know just about how far that would go, so…
As I vented to my son about my frustration at the sociopath’s lying about something so obvious–I mean he keeps his clothes in her room, but sleeps with my son on the couch when my son is there–I don’t for a minute think that he sleeps on the couch when my son is not there–but I digress. Vent I did until my son said, “It’s his God given right to lie. We all know the truth, don’t we? So, he can lie all he wants.” This simple comment I one I am still mulling over in my mind—the concept of a God given right to lie. “But, lying is wrong, and it looks so bad to your brother,” I countered. Yes, my son agreed fully, but apparently, that does not diminish the God given right to lie.
As Dr. House says, “Everyone lies,” and I know that’s true. But I am an idealist to the core—a Meyers-Briggs tested and retested, less than 2% of the population, INFJ idealist and so it has been a lifelong challenge for me to wrap my head around concepts that others find so very simply. Take fairness, for example. I think that the first words out of my mother’s mouth after my birth were, “I love you. Life isn’t fair.” She repeated those words many, many times as I grew up and yet I never believed her. Life should be fair! People should tell the truth! If you are a good person, then that should be enough! I have mentally and emotionally worn myself out over the years battling, inwardly and outwardly, with these concepts that everyone else seems to inherently just “get.”
And so, in the last two days, as I have thought and rethought the God given right to lie concept, I have had to accept it as true. God gave us all free will and what we do with that will is our choice. To me, lying is wrong. To the sociopath, lying is all part of a day’s work. I have to accept that the sociopath does have a God given right to lie, and in that there is a certain freedom from needing to try to continue to change him. This is between him and God. Period, full stop. How I react to it, and what I teach my son about it is between me and God. That he is without integrity is none of my business anymore, unless it begins to affect me or my son. This also, I guess, makes it his God give right to be miserable, angry, and vengeful, and that is none of my business, either. That’s between him and God, too.
What a relief! It’s not my job anymore to fix him. It never was my job, though I certainly did make it mine. Whether he believes in God, as I do, or not, God still love him, and watches him, and any of his behavior falls into God’s providence, not mine. Oh, thank God! I can truly let go now and hopefully forgive! Amen to that!