This blog post is going to be a mash-up, as I believe the youngsters call it, so hang with me until the end, if you will, please. You will be rewarded with an excerpt from my book if you just hold tight. The title to this blog post—the song—has been turning in my head for a day. Today I opened my daily devotional to find this exact Bible verse. Co-inky-dink? I think not.
Last week I reported that I had started my book. Yay team! I will respond to all of your comments soon. I am still absorbing it all. How it is going, you ask? It is has not gone one darned place since. Why, you ask? I have a million excuses, just ask me. December is busy. I have gifts to make. I spit coffee all over my gorgeous Apple keyboard and ruined it and I HATE my new, cheap, keyboard. I have to JUMP on the space key to get it to work.
I have a kid to tend to daily. I have to work. On and on the excuses go. Excuses are just that. It all boils down to one single thing. I am afraid that I am not good enough. No matter what anyone says, I simply cannot wrap my head around the concept of being good enough. Pardon my language, but what if I have to give up my self-appointed title as a fuck up? My head knows that I am not that, but as always, my heart lags behind.
See that red poster up above? My friend El made that and I loved it. One part of me thought, “She made that for me,” but the other part of me thought, “Good advice, but she wouldn’t make a poster just for me.” I talked to El on the phone yesterday. She said, “I made that poster for you, you know.” Ah, now I had verbal confirmation. Darn that all to heck. Now I have to get real.
I began this blog on March 10th of this year. That is not all that long ago, and yet, some how, I have amassed a boatload of followers in that time. Every time I get notified that I have a new follower, I shake my head and think. “Hmmm…how did they find me and decide to follow me just like that”? It strikes me as strange every time.
A couple of months ago, I got one of these babies and it was a lovely gift.
Guess what? Since that time, I have been gifted with yet another one of these from Reflections on Life Thus Far, and again I was humbled and very grateful. I did nothing with it, because I hate to seem showy. I am a fly under the radar kind of gal. Next thing I know, I have gotten of these, also from Ms. Reflections:
I was touched beyond words, but quite frankly, I stink at accepting awards because a part of me thinks, “Me”?? The other part of me thinks, “Wow.” but I do not want to turn heads or anything, you know? What would happen if I actually had to admit to myself that I am a good writer? Then, last week, I got another one of these, this one coming from Rohan7things. Is it redundant to post it twice? Why, yes, it is, but tough!
Not too long ago, my youngest son from my adult six said to one of his older brothers, “You may not know this, but Mom is kind of a big deal.” I laughed—Anchorman quote and all,but his older brother, the PhD candidate said, “Mom is an excellent writer. Mom needs to write her book.” Good heavens! I have no children thinking that I am nutty for wanting to write a book. How do I wrap my head around my kids knowing I have talent, these genius kids of mine? It is a lot to take in for me, folks. It has been my job to allow them to shine. What if I just happen to shine, too?
Good heavens, if this all has not been bad enough—hard enough on my inaccurate view of myself—the other night, this showed up, coming from Ivon at Teacher as Transformer:
Oh, baby, I wanted this almost as much as I want, want, want, to be Freshly Pressed! I was beside myself having seen my name on the list and ever so grateful, and taken aback, too. This one is different. It’s a “collect the whole set” award. I had one star and that was enough for me, but by the next morning, thanks to Carolyn at ABC of Spirit Talk it looked like this:
Two stars is enough for me, but if I get more, I will survive it, I suspect.
Then there is the gang on my Facebook page. My gang is the best gang on any Facebook page. They cannot wait for my book. They tell me that I inspire them every day, and I crack them up, too. My own personal, real, friends who have known me forever tell me that same thing. Can you all see now why this might be a bit much to take in all in less than a year?
I am being forced to believe in myself because I KNOW that God and a whole great, big, slew of people believe in me. I have to reorder my view of myself and that is the hardest thing of all, but it is about darned time that I do it, because I CAN feel it… I can literally feel success and my book and all good things right at the end of my fingertips. It is right there and it is just waiting for me to catch up. I reach out every time I think of my book and I can almost wrap my fingers around it all….almost. Give me a few more moments to wrap my brain around it all, will you, please? I am a slow learner and quite stubborn. I am getting there with your love and support! This is my season to accept myself and my gifts.
Oh, goodie, now comes the book excerpt, raw as it is. After the book excerpt I am going to paste in a bunch of blogs that I love, and as far as I am concerned, you all win every single award I have won. Once again, do with them as you will. I love you all!
The alarm went off at 5:30 a.m., waking me up quickly and not happily. I looked over at my 6-year-old son sleeping next to me. This was not our own bed. We were not in our own home, but in half an hour I would have to awaken him to get him fed and ready for school. I went upstairs and started the coffee and made sure that my hosts were awake. I got dressed while simultaneously packing away all of my own clothing. For whatever reason, I chose to wear my best shirt, jeans and shoes. I went and washed my face and applied full makeup and did my hair. Where did I think I was going that day?
At 6 a.m., I climbed into bed with my little boy and snuggled closely with him, kissing him to wake him up. He opened his eyes and said, “Is today the day that you have to go”? “Yes, it is, sweetie,” I replied. He did not want to go to school. I understood that, but I told him that he had to go—that everything would be okay and that his big sister would pick up after school. I hugged him hard and then told him we needed to get ready. He was going to school. I was going to turn myself in to go to prison and while I had know about this for over two years, he has only found out two weeks prior.
The counselors told me not to tell him. We were all praying that a pardon might come though. No one could see me going to prison. It just wasn’t going to happen. I remembered back to the day that I had finally told him why we had to move back to Maine from Montana—that I had to go to prison. He had melted before my eyes. We held each other and we cried and cried. He asked questions, and I did my best to answer them. “Mommy, what will you eat”? I told him I would eat whatever they gave me, which would probably mean beans and weenies every Saturday night. He found that amusing.
“Mom? I don’t want you to get fat, so will you please eat the skinny cereal”? I promised him that I would eat the skinny cereal and that I would write him every day. “Mom? What will you do about privacy”? I told him that I didn’t expect that I would have much. The depth and uncanny understanding he had of the situation floored me. A week later, we loaded up my car and spent a week driving across the northern part of the United States in the treacherous weather of late February.
I don’t remember a whole lot more of that morning, that going-to-prison-today-morning, except that somehow I got all of my all of belongings loaded into my car, and all of his belongings loaded into Howard and Georgia’s Chevy Tahoe. I know I dropped him off in his classroom and I think we both had tears in our eyes. His new teacher may have, too. I remember going over to my first husband’s house to drop off his belongings. Aidan would be living with my first husband and his wife, under the care of my younger daughter from my first marriage.
Blogs that I love:
I am forgetting a lot and I know that. Please forgive me. If you are behind me, add yourself the list! On we go! Rock on, we will. I sound like Yoda now. Time to say bye-bye!