Fear and Faith Cannot Exist in the Same Place

Far be it from me to suggest that I may have been out of touch with my own self in the past several months, but let me suggest just that.  I have been sorely out of touch with myself in the past few months.  Although I prayed every day, I also felt as if I was out of touch with God.  No matter what spiritual books I read, saying a hearty “Amen” to what I read, or what practices I tried to employ to get me over the hump, I remained absolutely stuck.  Stuck rhymes with another work…and it was  that, too.  Yes, it stunk!  (I trust you to get what rhymes with stuck.)

LeSeur In end1

Gosh darn it all to heck, a once ongoing issue had me scared and traumatized to the point where I could no longer write.  I was completely afraid to write for fear of some unforeseen backlash.  Being totally afraid to write left me in a place where my soul got sucked dry.  Each day I prayed to God to help me deal with the fear and the trauma, and to bless whatever might be the source of my fear.

Some things are like the interest on credit cards, or a saving account.  I needed do nothing, but they were compounded daily, or annually, and now I even sort of know what that means, because I am no financial genius.  You can trust me on that.  It means that even things I ignored added up, and even as I kept ignoring them, they continued to add up, then one day God came down and froze my assets and then what did I do?  Well, I prayed harder.   I also may have gotten depressed quite a lot.

There I sat.  My assets frozen, and I could not move because of, or from, fear.  Suddenly, the deficits started to pile up.  First, my own perceived deficits, and I found that they piled up quickly, with no interest whatsoever.  Some deficits I acquired rightfully…I judged, I spoke ill of someone, I felt compassion at times, and anger at others.  Other deficits were old issues, long gone, but back again for a visit, and I let them in, gave them tea, and a place to stay.  Fear lived in my home, and faith and fear do not cohabit well together.

What was I afraid of, you ask?  It makes no matter at this point in time.  What mattered then was that my fear was based in pride, and the resurrection of old trauma.  It took me a long time to figure that out, and even when I *knew* it as plain as the nose on my face, it would not disappear.  Still, I continued to pray every day.  I did not pray only for me, but for the source of my fear.  For some softening—for an end to hate and an opening to love.  I have been praying for that for a year and a half and nothing, but I am no quitter!

There are times when God tests us, and He does so not just by trials, but by a feeling of dryness in our faith.  Lord knows, (Oh, yes, He does!) just how stale I felt.  As a Montana gal, I do not give easily, so while I faltered many times, I did not give up, and then the grace of God descended upon me in the form of something so gracious, loving, and humble, that my weak faith never thought it would appear.  Ah, but it did, because God is good, and I am one persistent woman, for the good, or the bad.  God has given me the biggest prayer of my heart, and the fear is gone.  Today, I can write.  Hallelujah, today, I can write.

As is often the case, I write with tears streaming down my cheeks, and so much joy in my heart.  I pray that this is the start of a reconciliation of sorts—of a new beginning.  Today is the first day of spring and I welcome the thought of an end to the cold, and renewal, and new beginnings, and while there are still many unknowns in my life at this moments, I can feel the coming of sunshine, and warmth, and love. All of this come thanks to a season of trial, and the glorious grace of God.  Hope, like this new season, springs eternal, and my gratitude is too large to fill this page.  May that grace find all of you, too.

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24 thoughts on “Fear and Faith Cannot Exist in the Same Place

  1. Pingback: Fear and Faith Cannot Exist in the Same Place | Natural Beauty and Skin Care Made Easy

  2. Always love what you share…never stop and for heavens sake never fear for you are reaching out to many who want & need to hear what you have to say…even a few of us who may be going through much the same as you mention. God has been real busy over here in NH with me these past few weeks to help me with some things that have been going on…but He knows all…sees all…and He has keptr an eye on you and a loving hand on your shoulder…..

  3. Welcome back! I’m delighted to see you writing again, and I’m glad that things are looking up for you. I’m still praying that things continue to be better each day. Hugs!

  4. Blessings to you dear Annie! His grace is always ther for us, and when we stop squirming and trying to make it happen, that’s when it seems to cover like a soft blanket…wrapping us in the ost gentle love we know. xoxo

  5. I feel like I know your journey though we be stymied by different moments that impede our path. But you are intrepid and you move forward, or around, or stop and reconsider the options – knowing that you will always find the option at one point or another. I’m glad you’re on the road again…

  6. Very happy to have you writing again. I don’t believe your faith is weak as you say here. You kept praying through your difficulties, that signifies a strong faith to me. A strong character as well. I’m glad you’re feeling better.

  7. You are so very honest! Thank you for that. What a blessing to read of your freedom and release from that fear. The brain is just too good in that it can recreate old trauma so realistically and then the same feelings come and then the paralysis…. well, just like you wrote. I am so glad that you and your heart sat that fear down, looked it squarely in the face and dealt with it head on. Bless you.

  8. Your strength and persistence are awe-inspiring!! I saw myself in your words. Thanks for sharing such raw and beautiful truth. Sending Hugs and Blessings to YOU!

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