The month where it seemed as though nothing went right.

Where have I been, you ask?  Maybe you have not asked, but I sure have.  I am right here, waving at all of you!  This has been the month where it has seemed as though nothing has gone right, and I am still recovering.  Actually, it began before Christmas, but who is counting, anyway?  I haven’t written in many weeks and yes, as much as I have been dying to do so, it feels as if there is just so much emotion that has been trapped inside of me I am afraid I just might blow to bits, or cry.  It will likely be the latter, so you can all relax now a bit.  I still have not entirely pinpointed what caused this disturbance in its entirety, but that is probably because it was just a myriad of “one thing after another.”

Prior to, and during the Christmas holidays, every plan that took me weeks to construct seemed to fall apart within a minute’s time, and need to be reconstructed in even less time.  Visitation schedules were confused.  When you are working to two former spouses, and seven kids, it is hard to begin with to get everyone in one place at one time.  Things just kept changing and changing and changing, and while I am so much better now at rolling with the punches than I used to be, I felt as if I were rolling, and ducking, and jumping, and side stepping, and having to give up a lot in the process.

My Christmas Kid

My Christmas Kid

Many things simply did not happen, or if they did happen, I had to let a lot go just to get it done.  As much as I loved having all of my kids home, and as much as many, many good things did happen, like my younger daughter getting engaged on Christmas Day, and wedding dress shopping with my two girls the day after, I was dizzy from all of the rolling and I felt that everything was helter skelter.  I felt that I had lost control…the control that I wanted, anyway.  I could not find my joy.  Looking back, I think that I had lost it somewhere even prior to all of the going with the flow.  I still feel sad looking back, as if I missed an event that I had attended.

After New Year’s, my little man returned to school for a couple of days and I looked forward to life returning to normal, whatever that is around here.  The following Monday, he came home with a bad sore throat and by Thursday night, I had fallen ill.  This was no ordinary cold.  Nope, this was an honest to goodness siege of influenza that had befallen us, causing him to miss more than a week of school, and causing me to miss more that a week of work.  No work, no money.  No money, no way to pay the rent or bills.   We had suddenly become like lepers trapped in our own little germ filled colony.  No one wanted to be anywhere near us, and I do not blame them.  I didn’t really want to be anywhere near us, either.  I totally lost whatever good humor I had and I was a less than delightful person to be around.  As is so often the case, the little man was starting to feel better just when I was at my worst.  Visitations with his Dad were cancelled, ah, but we finally made it back to school and work, only to have me relapse with a bronchitis/asthma thing.

Add to all of this snow, and bitter cold, and school holiday, and teacher work days, and a car misbehaving, gastroenteritis this past weekend, and more missed visitation, my computer broken down for over a week, and finally on Monday, my car broke down.  That is what it has been like day after day and it has been hard and draining and then some.  Every day, I would pray, and every day I would try to find my gratitude–to count my blessings, but my blessings felt limp in my hands.  I knew that I had so much to be grateful for, but trying to hold onto the gratitude was like trying to get a tight grip on a handful of Jello.  I felt awful for not feeling grateful.  I felt lonely, too, as well as sleepy, dopey, and grumpy.

Today, I am not working because my road is an ice slick.  I will work tomorrow and I dearly needed this day to find perspective.  At no point during any of this was I ever truly alone.  I have God, my family, and my wonderful friends. My rent did not magically pay itself.  My rent got paid because of many kind, wonderful, and generous friends around the world.  I have never met most of them in person.  One of my son’s took care of my electric bill.  My first ex-husband got us an Omaha steak gift pack at Christmas that gave us a lovely New Years dinner and many breaks from pasta.  My beloved probation officer and friend has put me in touch with a woman who runs a counseling service and she is pursuing me for a job as a case worker, working with people with substance abuse issues, and coming out of incarceration situations.  It is a dream job if it works out, and as my P.O. said, “You know, I don’t just do this kind of thing for just anyone.”  Oh, yes, I DO know that!

When my car broke down on Monday, a friend was a phone call away and there to pick me up in 10 minutes.  I had AAA within the hour, and my car was towed home within two.  A friend is coming over to fix it this weekend, and my son fixed my computer.  I am loved.  I am so well-loved that it is crazy and now tears of joy and gratitude are rolling down my face.  I do not know why I could not see this, or feel it sooner, but I think it has a lot to do with not being able to write.

I get my footing back when I write.  I find my hidden emotions and bring them out into the light when I write.  Something overtakes me, and the blur of life totally disappears and it is just me and God when I write, and when I write, even if my hands may tremble, and my eyes may cloud over with tears, obscuring my earthy vision, I see much better when I write.  I may have to stop at times to let out a long-held sob, pain mixed with joy and hope, but I find release when I write.  I find hope, and joy, and gratitude when I write.

I need always to write.

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32 thoughts on “The month where it seemed as though nothing went right.

  1. Pingback: The month where it seemed as though nothing went right. | Natural Beauty and Skin Care Made Easy

    • I never intended to stop writing, but it did come to pass, and it was not good. Thank you so very much for your sweet words, and for the award, as well! Xoxo

  2. You said it so well…whatever happens you always pull it together and make it work…that is an art and you are the artist!!!! Thank you for sharing your adventure through this thing we call life!!!

  3. Ah! I knew you were going through something but had no idea how much it was affecting you. I do the same thing when I write, often stopping to have a good cry in the middle of a sentence that triggers my heart chakra, similar to what camel pose does for me.

    I am excited for the job prospect. I’m not sure that I mentioned this but I worked in Community Corrections a few years ago in Denver helping felons transition back into the real world. I taught GED, ABE, computer, and other life skills. I didn’t have the life experience I have now, however, to discuss much with them. YOU have it all! YOU have so much to give and offer. It was a tough job for me emotionally because not everyone succeeded. Actually, VERY few succeeded. Many traveled back to jail/prison because it was too difficult to go from having everything done for them to doing everything for themselves. But the few who were able to re-learn or learn self-reliance for the first time made the job fulfilling.

    XOXO

    • Paula, it was affecting me a lot, and to say that I am totally in the clear would be a lie, but I do feel much better. The sobbing did help a lot…the writing, and processing. I know being a case worker will be a hard job. I know the success rate, or lack thereof, but I also know a lot of good people with great ideas and commitment. I hope that can make a small dent. They key is teaching such simple things, and believing that they can succeed. I have many friends who I am proud to say are doing just that! Xoxoxo

  4. Sending hugs, hugs and more hugs. I can only imagine how tough it has been for you and I hope better days are ahead for you and you keep writing from the heart. Take today to regain your footing, center yourself and try have some fun with your little guy later. xox

    • Thank you so much, Karen. I believe we are heading upward now…that’s my story, and I am sticking to it! LOL. Thank you for the hugs. I am getting my mojo back, it’s just a slow process after the flu. Bet I won’t forget my flu shot again, though!

  5. I am sorry you have had such a series of one-after-the-other moments that left you tired and weary..knowing that there are blessings all around you and not being able to fully embrace them. I’m so glad you returned to writing, happier still that you are surrounded by love always (even when it can only allow you to tread water instead of swim) ..You are a beautiful writer..

    • Mimi, every time I read your comment, I get all teary. Thank you so much, so very much. Yes, you know what I have been feeling. Thank you. You are a beautiful writer, too, but you know that. 😉

      • Thank you for saying that – you’d be amazed at my total lack of confidence in this area – but I’m trying to get over the paralyzing hesitation that I face every time I hit ‘publish’. But back to you – this is a journey with many delights and challenges. And you face them both with grace – an ability few can truly say they have. You my friend, have it in spades..;-)

      • Mimi, you write so beautifully, but I completely get it! I know that I write well, too, but it is always a tussle to believe that down to the heart level. I hope that you are having a glorious vacation! Xoxoxo

  6. You have really had a rough time of it…It honestly must have been soooo hard to keep everything sorted out … When we get sick like that and I can empathize only with that part as my husband got sick and then I caught the ‘bug’ but it turned quickly into double pneumonia. You had to face what you did and be so sick at the same time as all else was going on…I hope the job works out and you begin to feel stronger health and otherwise…Take care Diane

    • Diane, we are getting stronger every day here, even though going to bed an hour or more earlier than usual is still our new norm. Yuck, double pneumonia! I hadn’t had the real flu in over 20 years. I’ll gladly go another 20 years, as well. I know that life is cyclical, and that we are due for an upswing! Thank you so much!

  7. This has been a very rough winter already for so many around this country (and the world). Keep your positive attitude and keep writing.. You are an amazing person and a wonderful writer.. I’m so glad that you are in my life.

    • Ed, I know that I am not the Lone Ranger. This winter is taking a toll on many, all around, and I knew that all along, and knew how blessed we were too, but I was so blunted. Still puzzling, though a mutual friend tells me that I need to go a little easier on myself. Thank you so much for what you’ve said. You and Cheryl mean the world to me!

  8. Surrounded, indeed with love. It is hard to find those places when we feel life throws speed balls though isn’t it. I am happy you found a moment to breath in and realize you are valued and loved. You bring so much to so many, here in your writing and elsewhere in the work you do. Loved indeed.

    • Hi Val, I am sorry I have been so slow to respond. Life continues to be life. 😉 I pray that you are as loved as I am. I believe that you are, and what you do amazes me! Xoxo

  9. Love you, Annie! It’s good to see you writing again, and I can relate needing to write to find (or keep) your footing. I’m also well familiar with those times when “my blessings felt limp in my hands” and the words just wouldn’t come, even when I most needed to write. I hope your streak of unpleasantness comes to an end soon. In the meantime, I’m holding you in prayer and sending lots of supportive (virtual) hugs your way!

  10. Sorry to hear you were faced with such a lousy month. It reminded me of a story of my own. Once upon a time, November, 1989 (as you can see, the date has never escaped me) it was the worst of times. From the beginning of the month absolutely nothing went right. From two deaths in the family, to the freezer (filled with food for winter) giving up the ghost, my husband hitting a deer, the boiler going out and having to be replaced. We had it put in and then I became violently ill with, yep, bronchitis and asthma. As I lay in bed hacking and moaning, I heard the sound of running water. We lived in a three story Victorian and a waterfall was not part of the decor. The baseboard heat runs had blown their valves and the water was pouring down all three floors into closets and everywhere it could run. There were a lot of other minor things that happened, but I think you get the idea. After I finally got my sea legs under me again I did something that has helped me many times. Strange as it sounds, I sat down and wrote a list of everything I could remember about that hellish November. Since then, when I feel overwhelmed (which has happened many times) I dig out that well worn list and read it over. Surprisingly it helps. It lets me know that things can be and have been worse and that I am a lot stronger than I think I am. So chin up, you are a strong women and there are better days ahead. I wish you well.

    • Gloryj,while it all sounds awful, what a great idea! I must remember to look at this post whenever I think life is not “just right.” Thank you so much!!

  11. Its no coincidence that I stumbled across your blog Ann. I have also been experiencing one hardship after another, with the biggest and most painful being that my beloved father has advstage 4 cancer. I have always been proud of my ability to look on the bright side and count my blessings. I trust God with all my heart, but my ability to feel positive and grateful is no where to be found. Ifeel like a schmuck for not feeling gratitude when I am blessed in so many ways..It was comforting to read your post and be reminded that this to shall pass.

    • Oh my gosh, Nancy. Oh my gosh. I saw this on my phone and got out of bed to respond. I am so sorry for you all….so sorry. Your Mom and Dad always felt like my own parents, who are long gone…25 and 16 year. mom and dad. I just want to hug you. I will pray and pray. I will come there if you need me because I am especially good with losing a loved one…the care needed. Can you message me your number on FB?? I miss your family, and I miss you sister desperately. I am so sorry, Nancy. God is there, even when He feels absent. Know that I love you! Oh, please msg me your number. okay??

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